Before Him (If I Break) Read online

  before him

  portia moore

  Portia Moore Books

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Fourteen

  Also by portia moore

  About the Author

  …to my long time readers and inspiring writers. thank you for making me believe again…

  Copyright © 2019 by Porsche Moore

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof

  may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever

  without the express written permission of the author,

  except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  Cover Design:Opium House Designs

  Editor:Angela Walker

  Created with Vellum

  Prologue

  …the seed is planted.

  “…And Cinderella lived happily ever after.”

  That might have been the end of the story, but I wasn’t ready to go to bed yet. I decided to start my endless stream of questions. “And what happened after that?”

  “What do you mean?” Auntie Raven asked. I liked that she let me call her by just her first name. It made me feel grown-up.

  “After they married, what happened then?”

  She hesitated for a moment and looked deep in thought. “Well, I’d personally like to think Cinderella made some forward-thinking initiatives for women to advance in the kingdom.”

  “What’s an initiative?” I asked, and my auntie sighed even though she had a soft smile on her face.

  She leaned down to kiss my forehead and pulled the covers up around me. “I think it’s time for you to close your eyes and go to sleep, little princess.”

  “Auntie Raven, will I live in a big palace with mice one day?” I questioned, a little confused. If I was a princess like the one in the story, then that’s what would happen.

  Auntie Raven smiled. “Do you want to live in a palace with mice?”

  I thought for a moment, and tapped my finger against my chin. We used to have a cute little white mouse in my class last year, but it did smell really bad and it never sang any songs like the ones who lived with Cinderella.

  “I don’t know. A castle is probably really big and I’d be a little scared all by myself, and mice are kind of stinky. So… maybe?”

  My auntie laughed and gave me a tight squeeze as I giggled. “Well you won’t be lonely if you have lots of babies with a really handsome prince,” she teased before tickling me. After she stopped, I caught my breath and stuck my tongue out at her.

  “Don’t you have to kiss boys to have babies?”

  Auntie Raven lowered herself so she was laying next to me on the bed. She twirled a piece of my hair in her hand. My hair was almost as dark as my black crayons. Auntie Raven’s hair was bright red, just like my favorite skittles.

  “There’s a little more to it than that, but when you get older you just might want a beautiful little girl to tell stories of your own to,” she answered.

  I thought about that for a minute. Having a baby of my own would mean I would have someone to tell stories to. Just like the stories my Auntie Raven told me. I could even bake my baby cookies, just like my mom used to do for me!

  “Mallory says she wants to have a million babies with Bryan,” I said.

  Mallory also told me that I was supposed to keep that a secret between just me and her. I’m pretty sure telling my Auntie Raven doesn’t count since she’s not a kid and doesn’t even know Bryan.

  “I think that Mallory should focus on her schoolwork until she gets old enough to make money to take care of all of those babies with Bryan,” my auntie said as she tucked me into bed.

  “Well, there is more to it than it looks. Is he kind?”

  “What does kind mean?”

  “Kind is like being nice,” she explained.

  “Yeah, he’s nice. He doesn’t yell at any of us girls, and he always shares the markers and crayons at art time,” I informed her.

  “That’s great because those are the important things. Even more important than how a boy looks,” she said, getting out of bed. It made me sad. I still wasn’t ready to go to bed. I wanted my Auntie Raven to stay and talk to me some more.

  “Was my daddy kind?” I asked.

  When she answered this question, she also sounded kind of sad. “Your daddy was one of the kindest, strongest, bravest men I knew,” she assured me with a small smile.

  “And my mommy?”

  “Your mommy was beautiful, and they both loved you very, very much.”

  That was nice of her to say, but I couldn’t help but feel unhappy when I thought of them. I don’t remember much about them since they went away, but I remember my mommy used to read me stories, just like Auntie Raven does, and I know my mommy and daddy had to be kind since they left me with her. Auntie Raven’s really nice.

  “Was Daddy my mom’s prince? Like the one Cinderella had?” I asked.

  “Yes, I think he was.”

  “Do you think one day I’ll have my Prince Charming?”

  “I sure hope so, sweetie. He’d be lucky to find you and win you over,” she said.

  “I think I would like it if I had a prince like my daddy,” I sighed.

  Auntie Raven smoothed my hair back and said, “Me too.”

  “But what if I do find my prince and he goes away like my mommy and daddy did?” I wondered.

  I meant the question but I felt slightly bad for asking it. It made my Auntie Raven look so sad. I hated it when she looked sad. That’s why I tried not to ask her about my parents much, but I missed them. Before Auntie answered my question, she leaned down to give me a kiss on my forehead.

  “You are going to grow up to be super strong, brave, and kind. The prince that finds you is going to be one of the luckiest in the entire kingdom because of that. You won’t have to worry about losing him because he’s going to hold on to you so tight that he’ll never be able to let you go.”

  “I hope he will, but how will I breathe?” I asked, confused, which made her laugh.

  She stood up and reached into the top drawer of my dresser, in a place I had never thought to look before, and pulled out a brand new black spiral notebook.

  “Here,” she offered, and placed the book in my lap. “I want you to start drawing. Your mom was really fond of it, and I can sense your creative spirit.”

  I looked at it, turning the book over in my hands, and smiled so big my face sort of hurt. I knew I’d use it every day. I wanted to be just like my mom. I opened my mouth to ask Auntie a question but she waved her fingers to stop me.

  “Come on, let’s stop stalling and say your prayers,” she stated.

  I snuggled down into my pillow, pulled the covers closer around me, and closed my eyes.

  “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. God bless Auntie Raven, my friends, and my mommy and daddy in heaven,” I said, before I added one more thought to the end of my prayers. “And my Prince Charming, whoever he is. Amen.”

  One

  A secret love…

  I had my first taste of
puppy love on the first day of kindergarten. Long before I even understood what love was. At the time, I didn’t even know what a crush was. All I knew of it was when someone put butterflies in your tummy and a smile on your face, and Cinderella had a crush on Prince Charming.

  I met him my first day of kindergarten. I walked into the classroom and instantly noticed how everything was colored. Backpacks, bulletin boards, everything! The room was much bigger than my preschool room. The teacher led us to our seats; mine was near the back, and for that I was grateful since I could blend in more. There were so many new kids in this class that I didn’t know! I pulled out my drawing book and put it on top of my desk. I had the biggest box of crayons—a 432-pack—which was a gift from Auntie Raven. I started drawing a flower.

  “That looks pretty.”

  He was standing up over my desk, bright brown eyes shining down on me. His hair was the color of Stanley, my favorite teddy bear. I had never been around a boy before that made me feel like he did, so I didn’t know what to say. He picked up one of my red crayons and scribbled something. I watched his hands.

  “It says ‘Daniel,’” he said.

  I smiled at him. “My name’s Lauren.”

  “Hi, Lauren.”

  He turned back to his desk and saw a group of boys pointing and laughing at him. There was a big pasty boy at least five inches taller than us, with bright red hair and a smattering of freckles across his face. He wore a green striped shirt that pulled tightly over his belly and a pair of khaki cargo shorts.

  “Daniel likes girls!” the boy screeched at the top of his lungs.

  “No, I don’t!” Daniel replied. He walked quickly away from my desk. I looked down at my flower and tried not to cry. The teacher settled down the class and began her lesson, but I still couldn't concentrate, and I ended up feeling sad the rest of the day.

  We didn’t talk for weeks after that. Sometimes I thought I could see him giving me looks over the edge of his paper, and at lunch, he would look at me from across the room, but when I looked back he’d act like he wasn’t.

  When he finally talked to me again it was during nap time.

  “Hey.”

  It took me a moment to focus and open my eyes. He kicked the side of my bare leg and I sat straight up, ready to protest.

  “Shhh, you’ll get us in trouble,” he warned.

  I looked over our teacher, who was fast asleep at her desk. “The boys are supposed to sleep over there.” I pointed for emphasis.

  He held out one of his hands. “I have to show you something cool.”

  I sighed, but I could feel my heart skip when I took his. My heart didn’t feel like that when I had held hands with my girlfriends or other boys during games and stuff. I wasn’t sure if I was sick, but I was really glad he was talking to me again. I got up and followed him. He was at least a foot taller than me, so he easily reached the doorknob and slowly pulled the door open without so much as a peep.

  The empty halls made my heart race—I could hear my heartbeat in my throat. He hadn’t let my hand go.

  “I don't think—” I started, but he pulled me down the hallway, past the other classrooms on the left. He made a sharp right and pulled me by the water fountain.

  Suddenly, Daniel kissed me hard on the mouth.

  “Ow!” I was startled, and it sort of hurt.

  He shrugged, unmoved. “My brother said when you like a girl, you’re supposed to kiss her hard, like in the movies.”

  I rubbed my cheek. “You like me?” I asked in disbelief.

  “Yup,’’ he said matter-of-factly.

  “Then why don’t you talk to me?” My voice quivered and I was more upset than I’d been in a long time.

  He looked down at his feet and shrugged again. “I don’t know. Those boys were making fun of me, which is why we have to keep this secret.”

  My heart fell. “Secret?” I stammered.

  “Don’t worry, it’ll be fun. We have our own little secret, okay?” He kissed my cheek.

  My body all but turned to mush as we walked back to the classroom.

  Ever since that day, Daniel made my heart skip a beat and we’ve been inseparable.

  On the first day of seventh grade, Daniel asked me to go with him to the carnival, which was to be our first actual date.

  “Do you want anything to drink?” he asked.

  I smiled at his nervousness. His hands were slightly shaking as he reached into the pocket of his blue jeans and pulled out a brown leather wallet.

  “Coke is fine.” I looked up at all of the flashing lights, and at one of the drop rides. I shuddered.

  I heard him curse under his breath. I looked up to see Coke dripping down his plain white shirt. An older teenage boy laughed, leaning over and holding his stomach. “Sorry, man!” He could hardly get the words out through his loud, exaggerated laughing.

  Daniel's face was blood red; I didn’t know if he was more angry or embarrassed.

  “It’s okay,” I told him with a warm smile. I pulled his hand. “Ooh, look! I love these.”

  It was a kiosk with bright red stool seats and water guns that pointed to bright red bullseyes. The kiosk was decorated in a plethora of stuffed animals—a dark brown teddy bear caught my attention.

  “I’ve got to have that one!” I squealed, jumping up and down.

  “I’ve got this.” Daniel pushed me slightly aside and sat down on the stool. Just then James and Amy walked up. James, Daniel's best friend, looked at him with his eyebrows raised. He had short black hair cropped close to his head and spooky grey eyes. Amy, his girlfriend, held a giant stick of green cotton candy in her hand. It was all over her face; I was surprised it wasn’t in her hair. She was slightly taller than me and a little heavier… not very pretty, and her attitude made her look even worse. I wasn’t actually sure what James saw in her.

  “He couldn’t win if he tried. You might as well sit down next to him,” James cautioned me.

  “Shut up, James,” Daniel muttered under his breath. He grabbed both handles and squinted his eyes at the bullseye. I eased myself down too, suddenly unsure. The last thing I wanted to do was embarrass Daniel, given the string of events that just happened.

  “Alright, Danny!” James clapped as the game started. Slowly, the game began and the water level in the game raised. It pinged a few moments later. Daniel sighed beside me and it was then that I noticed it was mine that had reached the top.

  “Damn, bro,” James laughed, but he was looking at his phone. I looked to Amy, who was snickering, and then to one of the workers. I pointed at the large brown teddy bear, squealing as the worker gave it to me. I looked down at it, but then reached my arms out.

  “Thanks for letting me win.” I smiled at Daniel, who looked embarrassed, but I gave him a knowing look.

  “Yeah, anytime babe,” he said with a wink.

  Auntie Raven showed up shortly after. We all said our goodbyes, but I noticed that James whispered in Daniel’s ear right before he piled into the backseat of the car.

  “Did you kids have fun?” Auntie Raven asked. She seemed a bit cheerier than usual, and even the music in the car was changed to an upbeat pop station, much unlike her choice of adult alternative.

  “Yes ma'am,” Daniel acknowledged. He looked over at me and smiled widely, making me feel like I had butterflies in my stomach. I was glad to know that in spite of all that had happened, he was at least somewhat in a good mood.

  “What do you kids think about a movie? I went to the DVD kiosk earlier today. I thought it would be a great way to end the night,” Auntie Raven suggested.

  Now it was my turn to feel nervous. I’d never had a boy over at my house before.

  “Sounds good to me,” he said, his cheeks tinged red. It felt hot, and I could feel a burning on my own cheeks. We pulled up into the driveway and a few moments later we went inside.

  Auntie Raven pointed to the DVD on the nightstand and reminded me that I knew where the popcorn and everything was. I poured t
wo glasses of soda and gave one to Daniel.

  “Well, you know I have to be at work a little early, Lauren. I’m not off this Sunday.” She turned to walk away. Daniel got down on the floor and fumbled with the Blu-Ray player.

  Auntie whispered my name and I turned in time to see that she winked at me. I turned back to find Daniel still on the floor messing with the Blu-ray player. My hands suddenly felt clammy, and I felt like I was going to faint.

  “Ugh, why is this thing acting like it doesn't want to work?” I hit the play button over and over several times.

  “Maybe because the DVD isn’t in yet?” Daniel smiled slightly, his warm brown eyes bringing me back to the present. He reached for my hand, grabbed the DVD, and pushed it into the drive.

  I stood up abruptly, kneed him in the chin, and knocked his glass of soda out of his hand. Most of it ended up on his T-shirt.

  “Oh! Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” I apologized.

  “It’s okay,” he assured me. He stood up slowly and grabbed my hand, running his thumb back and forth over it.

  “Popcorn!” I exclaimed almost in a shout. I was such a duntz. He arched a curious brow at me, and I practically ran to the kitchen. Stupid!

  I came back with the hot bowl in my hands but Daniel wasn’t in the room.

  He then came from around the corner, and I realized he’d gone to the bathroom to clean up. I noticed his wet T-shirt bawled up at his fist, and his black hoodie zipped up slightly so that a portion of his bare chest was just visible. I set the popcorn bowl on the glass coffee table with a clatter.

  “Do you have somewhere I can put this?”