Before Him (If I Break) Read online

  He reached out his hand and held the wet T-shirt. I felt his eyes on me, but it felt like they were staring right through me. I could feel a warm wave rush over me, the butterflies having a parade in my stomach.

  “Y-Yeah,” I stammered, knowing that there was absolutely nothing underneath that jacket. I took his wet shirt and put it in an empty Wal-Mart bag and then sat by him on the couch, where he was holding a Lion King DVD. I felt like I was going to die of embarrassment right there.

  “Ooh, I love Disney movies!” he said excitedly.

  My humiliation started to subside. “You do?” I asked hesitantly. He nodded with that bright smile that made me blush.

  “You want to watch it instead?” I cocked my head to the side.

  “Hakuna Matata!” he sang playfully, and the nervousness in my stomach instantly went away. I switched out the DVD that was in and put in Lion King. We watched the movie in silence for a while, and I felt myself relax a little. Maybe I could do this.

  “Oh yeah, popcorn? I did pop it after all.”

  “Oh yeah!” He grinned. “I totally forgot about it.” He stuck his hand into the bowl and took a fistful, dropping popcorn all over himself.

  “I’m such a klutz today!” He laughed and brushed popcorn off of himself and onto the floor. I saw a kernel poking out from the edge of his shirt. My insides screamed, but I felt myself reaching into his shirt.

  “Missed one,” I said.

  Almost as if on cue, Can you feel the love tonight started to play. We both laughed at the awkwardness. I looked down at the loose kernel and pushed it between my thumb and forefinger before looking up to him. We were only inches away from each other now; I could almost taste how heavy his breath was.

  “Just come over here already,” he whispered, and pulled me gently by my waist. The cotton was soft against my fingertips. His lips were so soft and he tasted like Mountain Dew.

  My mind halfway lingered to first grade. It was the water fountain again, except this time it wasn’t as innocent. There was something else too, a longing for more… almost an urgency. I was pulled back to the present as his fingers made their way through my hair. My mind was clouded with thoughts of him, my body was going insane, I was warm, my heart was beating too fast, and everywhere tingled. I rubbed the palm of my hand against his sweatshirt and felt his warm, large hand hold onto my arm. His hand held me at my side as his tongue entered my mouth. I reached under his shirt to find his bare chest, my fingers tenderly tracing against the sleek, toned, uncharted territory. His hands worked their way over to my bra before I stopped him.

  I cleared my throat. “W-What time is it?” I mumbled and ran my hand through my hair.

  “Oh, yeah… time.” His voice sounded strained.

  He took out his phone. “Yeah, my mom called me three times.” He snatched the Wal-Mart bag from beside the couch. “I’ll see you later?” He leaned down to kiss me, but I recoiled quickly.

  “Um, yeah,” I said, looking over to the TV as Nala and Simba argued about Simba running away and not wanting to come back.

  His face deadpanned as he quickly rushed out the door.

  The rest of middle school went like that, the on and off journey from friends, to boyfriend and girlfriend, and then back to friends. There was no official makeup and breakup, it was just like we both understood there were times that we didn’t talk and times that we did.

  Two

  …puppy love is for kids…

  By freshman year, Daniel had shot up from 5’1” to 6’0” in one summer. Everyone pushed him to try out for the basketball team since he was so tall. He did too, even though he had told me all summer his goal was to join the science club and become president. If I had to pinpoint one moment when everything changed, it was the day Daniel officially became a part of the team. He dramatically shifted from being my sweet, caring, sensitive best friend to a loud, cocky, athletic teenage boy. I tried to ignore the change. I was just happy that he found something he was so good at. He turned out to be amazing at basketball.

  Before Daniel was on the basketball team, I was the only girl that paid attention to him. I always knew when his warm brown eyes lit up that they were magnificent, my hands had felt how thick and soft his chocolate brown hair was, and I noticed years earlier how his long lashes were thick and enviable. I was the only one who noticed he had a dimple that only appeared when he was nervous. I’d always known he was as handsome as Prince Charming. But once he was on the basketball team, everyone else began to notice, and as my best friend Mallory put it, Daniel had somehow gone from cute to smoking hot.

  “Daniel’s so hot,” I heard Candice, a sophomore girl, say as most of the school watched him play. I swallowed down my jealousy. She was just a wide-eyed underclassman in awe of Daniel just how most of the other girls were. It was our senior year, and throughout our on and off periods, we were on, and it was still hard dealing with the attention he was always getting.

  I watched him wipe sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. He jogged to another teammate and noogied him on the head. His smile was infectious, and just one glance from him could make you swoon like you were in a 1950s teen flick. It was magic! I couldn’t even attempt to fight the smile that spread across my face in response to him.

  Mallory nudged me. “You’ve got it bad, girl.”

  “I don’t,” I defended myself.

  “Well you’re one of the only girls who doesn’t, then?” she teased, gesturing to all the girls around us staring at Daniel.

  “Where’s James?” I asked, wanting to change the subject. After a heated breakup between James and Amy, Mallory swooped in and they had really hit it off during the summer and were now dating—six months strong.

  “Concessions. I told him I needed some sour punch straws.” She shrugged, easily tossing her long red hair over her shoulder.

  “Let’s go, Daniel!” someone in the crowd yelled in a scruffy voice.

  “Oh, look at fat Amy down there.” Mallory pointed down to the cheerleaders who had begun to cheer for the Hawks, our school team.

  “Be nice…” I said, and opened my sketchbook again, which was almost full, and began to draw her.

  “Got the snacks, Babe.” James sat on the bleachers beside Mallory and kissed her hard on the mouth before he slapped her thigh. I tried not to roll my eyes.

  Mallory hit my arm playfully. “If we win tonight, you know what that means? Party!”

  “Ugh, yeah, a party. To be honest, I’m not looking forward to it.”

  “It’s high school, Elbee. You seriously need to live a little.” Mallory shoved two sour punch straws in her mouth. I looked over to James, who was deep into his phone.

  “I am living.” I said defensively. Then I sighed, contemplating whether or not I should tell her. Mallory and I had had a love-hate relationship. We had been best friends in kindergarten all the way up until sixth grade, but then she became more interested in boys than dolls. She started to hang with the seventh- and eighth-graders and took every opportunity to make fun of me when she came around. In high school, after we were in four out of six classes together, and she started to get a huge thing for James, we became really close. She’s been a good friend since then, picking me up for school, helping me learn to do my makeup. She has killer taste in clothes and is super generous with spending her dad’s money—and she’s had my back when more than one girl tried to start crap with me over Daniel. Still, every so often, I wondered if she really was my friend because of me or just because we dated guys in the same crowd.

  I leaned over and whispered in her ear, “I think it’s going to happen tonight.” Her head snapped towards me, her eyes wide in shock with a huge smile on her face.

  “Get out!!” She slapped me hard playfully.

  “Maybe,” I said, backtracking. I had been on the fence about it but it was senior year, and Daniel was the only boy I’d ever dated, and I knew that he loved me. He had told me a million times, and it would be cliché to wait for prom.r />
  “It’s about time,” Mal said, squeezing me in a half hug.

  I twirled my pencil in between my thumb and forefinger. “What does that mean?” I asked nervously.

  Mallory rolled her eyes. “Look at the boy… no, not boy. Man. How much longer you think you’re going to keep him without letting him get a cookie out of the jar? Especially with so many bakers wanting to give him a sample.”

  Before I could respond, James had pulled her towards him and they were full on making out. She was right. Daniel had been patient and never pressured me. I was probably one of fifteen girls who were seniors and still a virgin.

  I just wanted it to be special and I couldn’t think of anyone more perfect than Daniel. My parents were high school sweethearts and married, so I’m sure my mom gave hers to my dad. I thought about them every day. I feel more connected to them now. I’m close to the age they were when they married. I’d be a liar if I said I secretly didn’t daydream about having that same thing with Daniel. I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else.

  I watched Daniel as he walked off the court; he looked up at me with a dazzling smile and mouthed, “I love you.” My heart melted. I’d made up my mind. It was happening… I just didn’t know when.

  Three

  Will it be like in the books..?

  I stared at myself in the mirror, wearing the pink lacy bra and a panty set I had bought from Victoria’s Secret yesterday with Mallory. My cheeks flushed as I realized it would be the last thing I’d wear as a virgin. Whenever I thought of that word, my stomach became an expert gymnast, flipping back and forth. I showered, shaved, and sprayed perfume places I never have before. Tonight is going to be it. The night I share myself with the boy who has had my heart since the first grade. It should all work out perfectly. Daniel’s parents were out of town for a week and almost the entire senior class would be there. My Auntie Raven was in Lansing for a librarian conference, of all things, and I would have the house all to myself. I’d go to the party, hang out with Mallory and Daniel with his millions of friends, and afterwards… well, I’d be a woman. By the time the clock struck twelve I’d be seventeen and no longer a girl, but a woman.

  God that sounds so cliché. The last time I heard someone call me a woman was Auntie Raven, when I started my period. Yet this doesn’t make me want to cry. I can’t stop smiling, like there’s a secret that only I know. I guess there is.

  The breeze was perfect that night. The sunset crept away, bringing me closer and closer to what would be one of the most memorable nights of my life. I sat and waited for Daniel’s green Jeep, that his parents gave him for his birthday last month, to land in my driveway. I was surprised when it was Mallory’s silver Lexus that pulled up instead.

  “Get your cute ass in the car,” she sang out to me, and tossed her long red hair over her shoulder like she always does. It wasn’t straight, but in beautiful waves that made her look more like a college senior than a high school one.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked her before we pulled off.

  “Wow. How about a ‘Thanks for picking me up’?”

  I sighed. “I’m sorry. Thanks for picking me up Mal, but Daniel was supposed to pick me up.”

  “He had to help James with some last minute party stuff. So he asked me to come scoop you up.” She glanced at me, then did a double take, no doubt noting the extra care I had put into my hair and makeup.

  “You look hot. Not that you don’t always,” she clarified quickly.

  “Thank you,” I said, texting Daniel that I was on my way.

  “The whole senior class is going to be at this party. This night is going to be a movie and the perfect kickoff to your birthday!” she squealed excitedly, lowering the volume on the latest Rhianna song that was blasting from her car.

  “So have you changed your mind yet or are you really going to get you some tonight?” she whispered sneakily, even though it was only us in the car. My stomach dipped just at the question.

  “I’m going to see how it goes, but I think I’m ready,” I said as confidently as I could.

  “Well you look ready,” she giggled.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, looking down at myself. I didn’t want to look like I wanted to have sex. I just wanted to look and smell nice in case I did.

  “The dress, it’s shorter than I’ve seen you wear, and easy access in case you have to do it quick.” She laughed. I glared at her.

  “I hope to God it isn’t quick,” I said, a little offended.

  “Oh, I don’t think you’ll have that problem with Danny,” she said, a little too confident for my liking, but of course she’d seem confident for me at least. I sure as hell knew she was experienced. She could probably tell which guys were good and which ones weren’t just by glancing at them.

  “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant rushed, like in the back of a car or something,” I corrected her.

  “Oh Lauren, you’re such a novice. Car sex can be some of the best sex you’ll have in your life!”

  “I’d prefer to not lose my virginity that way,” I said, a little less offended.

  “Yeah, it’s not ideal. But anyway, the more important thing we should be discussing is if you have everything you need.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, feeling a bit embarrassed at not having the slightest idea what she was talking about.

  “Uhm. Earth to Lauren! Condoms, spermicide at least. Are you on birth control?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes,” I said simply. Her eyes widened and she smiled almost proudly.

  I knew what she was thinking but it was actually nothing lurid. I had been on birth control since I was thirteen to control my periods.

  “What kind did you get?” she continued. I should have known that wasn’t going to be the end of it.

  “Pills.”

  “Condoms. You got to have the right kind, lubricated, and you have to know the size of his c—”

  “God Mal! I’m leaving that up to Daniel. I’m sure he has some.”

  “No—are you crazy? You need to have them! If you only learn one lesson from being my friend it is to always have your own protection, just in case. Guys love to get you all riled up and say ‘Oh babe, I forgot. Just let me pull out.’ The next thing you know you’re knocked up and fat as hell, and holding a screaming baby.”

  “I promise you I won’t let him touch me without a condom,” I tell her, sort of touched that she cared so much.

  “Good girl,” she said, pinching my cheek like my grandma did when I was five.

  When we arrived to the party there was already an endless stream of cars out on James’s parents’ sprawling front yard. They have one of the largest houses in our town. James had always been upset about not making the basketball team with Daniel, and Daniel always pointed out that he didn’t need to be a basketball player when he was as rich as he was. James was famous for throwing the most insane parties, which put him on the same level as the most popular athletes in school.

  I briefly glanced in the mirror before stepping out of Mallory’s car. I waited a few minutes while she continued to primp her makeup and push up her boobs. She linked arms with me when she got out of the car, and we made our way through a crowd of students gathered on the front lawn, smiling and saying hello to them. The music was loud and pulsed from the yard, but was even louder once we entered the house. Mallory pulled me by the hand towards the kitchen, which was so huge that I could fit my entire living room in it. The large island was covered with liquor bottles and red cups. Mallory grabbed a bottle of Jose Cuervo and poured us both some.

  “You know I don’t drink,” I reminded her.

  “It’s to calm your nerves and loosen you up,” she chided me. I sighed and she leaned in. “You’re going to need it for tonight,” she said cheekily, and took a big gulp from her cup before grabbing my empty hand.

  I humored her and took a few sips of mine before putting it down. I followed her through the gyrating bodies dancing to the music and
the loud drunken conversations, and we finally made it to James’s den. They had a big table set up large enough where one half of the table was playing Dominoes and the other half some kind of card game. We spotted James, who had just slammed down a fifty dollar bill on the table.

  “You thought you were going to come and win in my house? Think again, losers!” he shouted in victory before picking up the pile of cash.

  “Yes baby!” Mallory squealed, jumping into his arms and planting a long kiss on him. My eyes scanned the table for Daniel but he was nowhere in sight.

  “Where’s Daniel?” I asked reluctantly, interrupting their mini make out session. He wiped Mallory’s lipstick from his lips; his face went blank for a minute and he rubbed the back of his neck.

  He suddenly remembered. “Oh! Yeah, he went to the bathroom upstairs.”

  “No he’s out by the pool, remember?” Jeff, a guy who was in my math class, said before downing the rest of his drink. James glared at him. I looked between them both suspiciously and at everyone else at the table, who all openly avoided my gaze. Then I looked at Mallory, who was frowning at this point. My feet started to move before my thoughts even did as I pushed my way through the people and out to the patio. There was only about ten people outside, most making out, and I felt a tightening in my chest. I looked behind me to see Mallory and James following, with James walking as slowly as he could, phone in his hand, fingers moving furiously. As we rounded our way to the pool house, a girl walked towards us. She was beautiful with long straight blonde hair, wearing a cute pink and black dress that was more appropriate for a club than a high school party. She stood out completely and I didn’t recognize her from our school. She flashed me a snide grin before moving past us.

  “See you, James,” she purred before making her way back to the house. Mallory glared at James evilly.

  “Who was that?” she demanded, pushing him.

  “Just a girl from Bryer,” he said defensively.