Beautifully Broken: If I Break #3 Read online

  “Oh that’s it? It doesn’t matter really, not now anyway I guess,” she smiles, her blue eyes lighting back up.

  “But other than spewing obscenities about me?” she asks with a dry chuckle.

  “No, nothing other than that,” I say, feeling a little more than uncomfortable.

  “Why doesn’t Cal like you?” I ask her bluntly and she seems a bit taken aback. “It’s just. It seems like there’s more to it than you spurning him in high school,” I admit.

  She looks away from me her attention going back to the lone lemon in her water glass.

  “There are things that Cal knows about me that. That Chris doesn’t,” she says hesitantly.

  “What kind of things?” I ask her and a sad smile spreads across her face.

  “… Things that I regret doing,” she pauses and I see tears well in her eyes.

  “Things that could hurt a lot of people. Including Chris,” she chokes out.

  “Cal…he knows these things?” I ask her hesitantly. She nods. More secrets.

  “Here you go hon. Are you ready to order?” a waitress asks, interrupting the most awkward conversation ever.

  “Whatever she’s having. Thank you,” I say and the waitress nods before scurrying away.

  “I hope you like egg white omelet,” she jokes, while my heart is beating like a madwoman.

  “If Cal knows whatever these things are, Chris can find out at any time Lisa. He’s starting to remember things and not only that right now there’s no way of knowing when Cal will come back. What type of things does he know?” I ask her urgently. "If Cal has something on Chris that can hurt him or put him in danger…”

  “No, it’s nothing like that. It won’t put him in any danger or hurt him… physically,” she says, vehemently shaking her head.

  “Lisa, you can tell me,” I say pleadingly.

  “It’s better that I don’t tell you Lauren. Trust me. I told Aidan and he wishes he didn’t know,” she says, a smile on her face but a tear falling from her eye that she quickly wipes away.

  “I asked you here because I’m going to tell Chris. I was going to tell him before all of this happened and I chickened out after talking to Cal and Aidan flipping out like he did... Now circumstances have changed where I don’t really have a choice. I just have to get my courage back up. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I was stupid…so stupid,” she says, tears flooding her face.

  “Lisa it can’t be that bad. Whatever it is,” I say sitting next to her in the booth and pulling her into a hug.

  “We all make mistakes. We all do things that I’m sure we wish we could take back,” I say, rubbing her back.

  “I didn’t ask you here to feel sorry for me,” she chokes out. She pulls away from me and takes a deep breath.

  “When I tell him Chris is going to need you Lauren. Like he never has before. Promise me you’ll be there for him. That you won’t let Cal destroy him.”

  *

  My head’s pounding. Lisa wouldn’t budge with any specific information. She’s going out of town for the next week to clear her head and when she comes back she’s going to tell Chris and I can’t help but feel like a huge anvil is going to drop. I don’t know how to prepare for it. To prepare Chris for it. We have so much to deal with already I almost wish that whatever the hell Lisa has to get off her chest she just swallows it until things return to normal, but I can’t ask her to do that. I can’t imagine holding something in like she is. Which is why I’m outside of Aidan’s door hoping he’s home. He hasn’t answered my first few knocks, so now I’ve proceeded to bang on the door.

  “I’m coming. Shit!” I hear him yell. A few seconds later his door swings open and I feel my eyes widen.

  “What the hell?!” he growls. What the hell are the right words! He’s wearing nothing but a pair of black boxer briefs revealing his five star sculpted military body. He has two black tattoos wrapping around his large biceps and I have to rip my eyes up from his hard chest heaving up and down.

  “Oh, Lauren. Is everything okay?” he says, his tone going from an angry growl to concerned. I nod, trying to member why I’m even here as his baby blue eyes stare into mine. God, Aidan is hot!

  I can’t believe it’s the first time I noticed how good he looks.

  “Can I come in?” I ask, coming back down to reality.

  “Yeah sure,” he says opening the door for me to come in. I walk past him into his house. It’s a lot smaller than the Scotts' and has an old fashioned feel to it with floral patterned sofas and a similar type wall paper. The one thing standing out is a brand new extremely big television. Then I remember that this is Aidan’s grandmother’s house. I’d bet the TV is his.

  “Feel free to sit anywhere,” he says, folding his arms across his chest.

  “Sorry about earlier. It’s just really fucking early,” he says with a yawn. Whichever way he moves causes his muscles to flex.

  “I’m not really in a hurry, if you want to go back and change,” I suggest, gluing my eyes to the floor. I hear a dry chuckle escape his mouth.

  “Uh. Sure. Give me a sec. I should probably brush my teeth too if you’re not in a big hurry so you don’t pass out from my morning breath,” he laughs and I chuckle, watching him head to what I assume is his room.

  A few minutes later he re-appears, this time in a pair of loose fitting pajamas and a wife beater. Much better.

  “So what’s up? Everything’s okay…?" he asks hesitantly, sitting on the sofa across from me.

  “I don’t know. You tell me. I just came from breakfast with Lisa,” I inform him and his expression sets into a frown. He lets out a deep sigh and claps his hands together in front of him.

  “What did she tell you?” he asks, his voice unwavering.

  “Basically that she’s holding on to a bomb that she’s going to drop that’s going to affect my husband pretty badly, but not giving me any clue what it is. Which is going to drive me pretty crazy.” Aidan lets out a low groan deep from his belly and runs his hand over his blonde hair that’s grown quite a bit since I first met him.

  “I can’t tell you Lauren. It’s not for me to share. I shouldn’t even be involved,” he says defensively.

  “Please. You have to. I’m already a wreck and this has made things worse,” I plead.

  “If you know, it’s going to make things a hell of a lot worse for you than you not knowing. Trust me, I really wish I didn’t know,” he says, standing up from his sofa and pacing the room.

  “Nothing is worse than the unknown.”

  “No there are A LOT of things worse than the unknown and this is one of them,” he says back sternly.

  “What can I do? Is there anything I can do to help with the fallout of this?” I ask and when his expression breaks and he shakes his head my stomach feels as if it’s dropped several floors.

  “I’m not sure but I think that what happened is what made him need Cal.”

  chapter 10

  September 26, 2008

  Fate has to be a prankster. I know this because someone up there has to be laughing his ass off at me. I never thought it’d happen to me, but it has. I’ve fallen for a girl. A girl I was only supposed to pay back for intervening in her life and fucking it up completely. Now I can’t see her not being in mine. I knew once I slept with her things would change, I thought she’d get clingy and want to be around me all the time and not want to share me with other women. Turns out since I met her I can’t even think about screwing around with someone else. Not the way she makes me feel. Her smile makes me feel like everything I thought I had was worthless. I hate it but can’t let it go at the same time.

  Nothing will make me let it go.

  “So you’re sure you’re ready to up the dosage on this?” Helen asks me for the third time.

  “No, I’m not sure. I’m just wasting both of our time because I have nothing better do.”

  “You said it’s safe, right?” I say, irritated with her hesitancy all of a sudden.

  �
��We’re still running clinical trials in Russia, and they are a lot more l…”

  “Save me the FDA disclaimer Helen. I want to do this.”

  “Okay. Okay. Don’t let me stop you,” she says defensively.

  “Not like I would,” I give her a wink to let her know I’m an asshole only in fun. She rolls her eyes at me and sighs.

  “Remember, the slightest thing happens out of the ordinary, you let me know,” she says, giving me a worrying grin. Like a mom would her son and I push that thought to the back of my brain where the garbage goes.

  “So if I may ask,” she starts.

  “And you’re going to ask anyway…”

  “Why are you doing this Cal?”

  “Seriously?” I ask her in disbelief.

  “I think it’s for the girl,” she says knowingly.

  “The girl's name is Lauren,” I correct her.

  “I think it’s time that we meet Lauren,” she says with a wide smile.

  “Okay,” I say simply grabbing my jacket preparing for the jacked up Chicago weather that’s going to greet me downstairs. Her eyebrows raise.

  “That’s it. It’s that simple?” she asks surprised.

  “She’s been asking questions about meeting my family and, well, you know that wouldn’t exactly work out,” I say sarcastically.

  “I’m shocked. You really care about her?” she says, way too excited. She even comes from behind her big intimidating desk and swats me on the chest. I shrug her off but I can’t help but smile. It feels good for it to be out there. That it’s been said.

  “Have you told her about…”

  “No and I expect it not to come up in conversation,” I warn her.

  “Of course. I would never—I have an oath that I’m bound by,” she says gesturing to her wall of a thousand degrees.

  “I will be Dexter’s beautiful brilliant wife, and your friend only,” she says happily.

  “And make sure Dex doesn’t make any snide comments, I’d hate to kick his ass in his own house.”

  “I will handle Dexter. I will have Luc come and make a fantastic dinner; we will tell her how great you are.”

  “Well, I’ll see you. Email me the details,” I say heading out the door.

  “Cal,” she calls. I knew that was too easy.

  “If you really care about her. You should tell her or at least start to prepare her. It’s not fair for her to not know,” she says solemnly. I pull out the little bottle of pills she gave me earlier.

  “If you’re as good as you say you are. Soon there won’t be anything for her to know.”

  *

  I want to get Helen’s words out of my head. I’m not afraid of much, but the thought of Lauren finding out about me, of her looking at me differently scares the shit out of me. I can hear music playing before I open the door.

  She stayed.

  I’ve been trying to get her to stay at my house when I go on trips for the past few months but she always puts up a fight, she’s stubborn as hell. I didn’t take her for that when I first met her. The only time she really gives in is when I’m inside her, and I can’t complain about that.

  “You’re home early,” she squeals from over the railing upstairs. Her smile is always contagious. She bounces down the stairs, wearing a tight t-shirt squeezing her apple sized breasts and tiny shorts that she won’t have on much longer. She jumps in my arms.

  “Ugh, you're cold!” she laughs trying to get away but I hold her close to me.

  “I’m about to warm you up,” I tell her, my hand slipping underneath her shirt.

  “Your hands aren’t,” she purrs, kissing me lightly. Just a taste, a tease, she’s about to give way more than that.

  “You’re just in time to watch The Notebook,” she says excitedly attempting to get out of my grasp.

  “The Notebook…” I groan.

  Hell no.

  “And there’s popcorn,” she giggles, gesturing to it.

  Ugh. I want to say no then she gives me her sexy ass little pout face. I roll my eyes.

  “Okay,” I give in.

  “Yay!” she claps her hands and then helps me take off my coat and puts it in the closet. I flop on my couch and a second later she scooches in front of me.

  "You used my shampoo."

  “You know, I like smelling like you,” she admits with a chuckle.

  “Was it terrible being here?”

  “Absolutely, it’s too big, too luxurious and is not up to my standards at all,” she says sarcastically.

  “My friend Dex. The one I told you about. Him and Helen invited us to dinner,” I say casually.

  “You want me to?” she asks, her tone almost surprised.

  “Only if you want to go.”

  “I do,” she says quickly.

  “Good.” A few minutes pass as I try to think of the most discreet way to get her out of these shorts. If her butt didn’t look so good in them, I’d beg her to only wear skirts and dresses.

  “I was starting to think you were ashamed of me or something,” she says playfully, but there’s a hint of truth behind her voice. I turn her towards me.

  “I’d have to be a fucking lunatic to be ashamed of you,” I tell her and she smiles, the same smile that got me here instead of watching the game, watching The Notebook. She kisses me, it’s innocent, but enough of an opening for me to pull her lips into mine, her mouth opens partially and I coax out her tongue and squeeze her ass. It drives her crazy and the little sounds she makes trying to hide the fact make me insane.

  “Nooo,” she moans into my mouth and breaks away.

  “Not until the movie's over,” she giggles, quickly turning away from me but she’s close enough I can change her mind. I slip my hands underneath her t-shirt and drag my fingers across her stomach. She takes my hand in hers, stopping my path. I grunt.

  “I know what you’re trying to do,” she giggles and I stop and look at her and think about this moment. I could be like this with her…forever. Except forever isn’t really an option with me, unless this medicine works that Helen’s team has been working on. Since I’m volunteering to be the first guinea pig it’s all a toss-up, but when I look at her…the risk is worth the reward.

  You should just tell her.

  Helen’s voice echoes in my head. I can’t just tell her—for one, she probably wouldn’t believe me, and if she did, it would change everything.

  She’s mine, the one good thing in my life and I’m not going to share her. Everything comes easy for him, life just hands itself over to him and when it doesn’t, he gives up and leaves me to deal with the hard part. I have to fight for what I get, nothing comes easy.

  Finding Clay with as much money as I’ve spent should be easy but it’s been a nightmare, him slipping out of my grasp as soon as I have him. He’s the last thing I need to put to bed. After he’s done, maybe, just maybe, things will be easy and I can have a chance at something with Lauren. Before her I never wanted a permanent fixture in my life, now I need it more than anything.

  I won’t let it go.

  Lauren

  I feel like a clock is running, each second that passes causes a crack to appear in an already fragile glass that’s barely holding itself together. I hoped coming back to Madison would provide some time of normalcy, some form of comfort, but right now it feels constricting, like I’m trapped, unable to escape and everything is closing in. My visit with Aidan didn’t yield any information and just made me feel as if I’m strapped next to a bomb that’s going to blow, but I can’t leave because the man I love is strapped in a chair next to it…

  I hate all of this, secrets and lies. I thought I was moving past that but I was wrong. I was wrong about Cal opening up to me. I was wrong about thinking Chris would be more understanding of this situation with Cal and I was wrong to think that I could handle this on my own, that I could make this work. Right now it seems like nothing is okay.

  Everything is on the brink of chaos. My head won’t stop pounding, anxiety h
as planted itself in my chest and I feel like I’m constantly in a marathon, but I can’t appear that way. I have to appear strong, I have to appear hopeful, that I haven’t given up, that things are looking up from here, but in reality I’m barely holding on. So many conflicting emotions coursing through me, battling with each other until I’m exhausted, tired and starting to feel numb.

  I try to pull some version of myself together as I sit outside the Crestfield mansion. It’s an extremely large estate, enough to have about eight regular sized homes on it. Helen’s in there, waiting on me. I was excited about seeing her, someone who could possibly help me to understand the reality of this, but now I feel like I’m going to see a doctor who holds my life in her hands. When I arrive at the door I’m greeted by one of the housekeepers. She leads me to the second floor, sun seeping through the house, extravagant paintings on the wall. The décor doesn’t seem to fit Helen or Dexter at all. It feels as if we’ve been walking forever through the house, well mansion, this is a mansion.

  When we reach our destination the housekeeper knocks on the door and introduces me. It’s all so formal and a bit intimidating. Helen calls for us to come in. The room is large and, of course, all white and neutral colors. Helen is sitting behind a white desk that stretches out across one corner of the room. There are two big beige arm chairs in front of the desk and a fire place adjacent. The other side of the room seems more for pleasure with a large television mounted on the wall and a matching white sofa sprawled out in front of it. The carpet is white with not one blemish on it. It’s modern and completely different from the rest of the house.

  “Lauren,” she greets me. Her tone is warm and welcoming. She looks different with her hair half up and the rest down. She’s wearing a large button up that falls over her statuesque frame and black tights underneath.

  “Could you bring up a pitcher of lemon water, Grace?” Helen asks, coming from behind her desk.

  “Of course Mrs. Crestfield,” the housekeeper says before leaving the room.