Us: A If I Break (Her) Story Page 4

  “Remember, stress is a trigger. Please try to calm down,” Dr. Lyce implores, and I nod and do the breathing exercises she taught me. I have to be in control, more so than ever. Alana can’t come back now. She’s unpredictable, selfish, and cruel. And I don’t want her having anything to do with this baby.

  “Dr. Lyce, I know you’ve always said that I can’t get rid of her. That she’s a part of me, but—especially now—I’m willing to do whatever I can to keep her away.”

  Dr. Lyce sighs. “We don’t have to think about any of that now. We’ll take everything in steps,” she says, giving me an encouraging smile. Her phone rings and she asks me to excuse her for a moment. I nod and start biting my nail.

  I’m pregnant. I’m going to be a mom, responsible for another person. I have to be. I can’t do this with Alana anymore. We can’t have separate lives, we have to have one agenda. I think of how Dr. Lyce described her reaction to the news. We’re different but there has to be some similarities. We can’t be so different that she wouldn’t want this little seed inside of us, even if it’s not exactly from the person she wants it to be from. It’s still part of her.

  “Megan, Ian is here and would like to see you.” Her words tear me out of my thoughts.

  “Would you like that?” she asks, and my heart begins to hammer in my chest. I can’t see Ian right now, not after what just happened. Not knowing what I know. I’m pregnant with Kam’s child…whatever could have possibly been between us is gone. There isn’t anything for him with me or Alana now. It’d be cruel to give him false hope. Kam’s baby is growing inside of me now. I have to put our family first.

  “No. I don’t want to. If you can let him know that I’m alright but no, not now,” I tell her, even though guilt has climbed on my shoulders and settled there. She nods and I hear her tell whoever she’s talking to that I’m not up for company at the moment. When she hangs up our eyes meet but she doesn’t say anything. I guess she’s waiting for me to says something but I don’t have anything to say right now. I can’t think about any of it at this moment. Like she said, baby steps. As guilty as I feel about not seeing Ian right now I know I can’t worry about him, how he feels, or anyone else.

  My main goal is to take care of my baby.

  Chapter 6

  Ian

  I’m an asshole.

  I know that, and I don’t know how any girl in her right mind could ever be genuinely interested in me besides wanting to get fucked right, other than Alana. I glance over at Hillary, whose eyes are glued to her phone. She hasn’t said anything in the ten minutes since I talked to Lauren. We’ve been waiting four hours but she’s still here. Why? I don’t have a clue because I sure as hell haven’t been the best company. She’s not a friend, but a coworker—one who I know likes me in a way that makes me uncomfortable because I can’t exactly like her back, or give her the good fuck she might just be waiting on.

  Instead I’m a wreck. An overemotional, easily annoyed wreck. It’s my fault Megan’s here. I was so busy thinking about myself, trying to convince her that I could be the one she wants, that I didn’t think about what it’d do to her. I know Megan isn’t as emotional as Alana but she suffers from a mental disorder and I pushed her, probably too far and too fast. But she pushed me too, almost right over the edge.

  How could she ask me to stay away from Alana? How did she think she could tell me that Alana possibly came back and let me make love to her, tell me to drop it, to walk away from all of it so she can be happy with her stupid fucking boyfriend? That I should walk away from my marriage so she can play house…except she won’t be playing, she wants to marry someone else.

  Marry!

  I felt like it was my last chance, the clock ticking down to an explosion, and it’d be me wrecked afterward. I knew she’d feel it, that she’d give in. Hell, I didn’t know, but I hoped. I put all my hope into that kiss, my pain, my need. I wanted her to feel it all, for someone else to help carry it. For her to see that I needed her to hold it with me, to let me hold what she had. That we could do it, that I could love all of her, not just one half. That I could be the one to keep her together. I’ve never met Kam but from what Blue describes him as—rich, pampered, spoiled—he’s not the kind of guy that will stick this out with Megan. He sure as hell couldn’t handle Alana, and I can even see her putting up with a dude like that for a second…but I guess she did, or she is, because it’s Megan’s who’s in control. It’s Megan that’s making the decisions, and Alana’s just on cruise control…or is it that she’s okay with everything going on?

  Thinking of Alana pisses me off. Why the hell didn’t she tell me what was going on? Why didn’t she give me the chance to be there for her, to support her? We could have worked. I’d never left or abandoned her and now, it’s all gone to shit. Megan is in love with someone else and I’m here in a hospital waiting room just hanging around for my turn to get a glimpse of her, to know she’s okay, to apologize. Not that I’ll know what to apologize for. For kissing her? Finally telling her the truth and not pretending?

  “Look.” It’s Hillary nudging me out of my thoughts, and I glance over to see Cal striding in beside a shorter guy in a suit like the guys in Wall Street movies wear. I immediately stand and Hillary and I go over to them.

  “What the fuck Cal!” I yell at him, unable to control my rage. He knew I’ve been here this whole damned time.

  “Ian,” Hillary says in a low warning tone.

  “Look, calm down,” Cal says dismissively, like he always fucking is. I really want to punch him in the face right now but I remember he’s the one that’s taking me to see Megan.

  “You want me to calm down? Tell me you’d be calm if it was your wife up there after just getting hit over by a damn car!” I roar at him, and see the slightest break in his expression.

  “I’m Dexter Crestfield Jr., Alana’s older brother,” he says smoothly, as if me and his brother aren’t about to come to blows in the middle of the hospital ward.

  “Are you as much of an asshole as he is?” I ask, gesturing towards Cal. Hillary nudges me, indicating for me to rein it in, but this guy doesn’t seem affected by what I’m saying. If anything, he seems amused. This family is so fucking weird.

  “Not as much of one, no,” he chuckles. Cal rolls his eyes.

  “We came to tell you that Alana is doing well, perfectly fine considering the accident she was just in,” Dexter explains. It’s jarring but welcomed that he’s calling her Alana instead of Megan, but maybe that’s just something that they do.

  “What the hell happened?” Cal asks, his eyes narrowing in on me, and I give him a what the fuck? look.

  “I’m not about to be interrogated by you of all fucking people. I want to see Alana.”

  “Well you just missed her. Megan’s back and she doesn’t want to see you,” Cal announces with the least unsympathetic shrug he can muster.

  “Wow Cal, can you be any more of a dick right now?” Hillary interjects, but his words have knocked me down. Alana was here?

  “What do you mean she was here? Just now? You fucking asshole!” I shout, pushing him in the chest. He pushes into mine and before a punch can be thrown Dexter and a security guard get between us.

  “This is why you can’t see her. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Cal laughs tauntingly as we’re taken apart. Before I can even respond, security has pulled me outside of the hospital.

  “I just want to see my wife!” I say, trying to control my anger with everything in me.

  “Sir, just go take a walk. These guys aren’t anyone you want to get a charge against,” a tall frumpy one says.

  “Fuck them!” I shout. Hillary’s come out now.

  “Ian let’s go now,” she demands, red-faced and glaring at me.

  “I’m not going anywhere until I see her!”

  “Look, you’re not going to be able to see her today, especially after what’s just happened. Your best bet is to go talk to Lauren okay?” she tells me sternly.

 
“Fuck!” I shout.

  “Are you going to be okay sir?” the guard asks me. I flip him off.

  “He’ll be fine. Thank you,” Hillary tells him.

  “What is wrong with that asshole?!” I shout.

  “I think the fact that you’re both assholes is the problem,” she mutters.

  I look at her, confused. “All I want is to see her! That’s all I’ve asked for—a husband wanting to see his wife. How the fuck is that unreasonable? What about that makes me an asshole?” I laugh bitterly as I head down the sidewalk, and hear her coming up behind me.

  “Nothing, but you shouldn’t have pushed him like that. I don’t know why he’s such a jerk to you other than he sees himself in you,” she reasons.

  I scowl at her.“That’s the insult of the fucking century.”

  “I just think if you maybe give him some time—”

  I cut her off with a cold glare.

  “Look,” she continues, “he’s not my favorite person by far, trust me. I told Lauren to drop his ass years ago but now they’re married so she’s knocked up and stuck with him,” she explains halfheartedly. I don’t say anything as we make the trek to the hospital parking lot.

  “But he loves Lauren and I’m guessing he loves his sister the same way. And if he does, he’ll be the best brother you could pick.”

  “The guy’s not only an asshole, but a liar. There’s no way she would have said she didn’t want to see me, even after everything happened!”

  “No way possible?” she asks skeptically. I stop in my tracks, turning to face her.

  “I saw her run into that street, Ian. She was really upset.”

  Guilt shits all over me again.

  “But Megan’s not like that, she would have saw me at least, and Alana sure as hell would have wanted to see me!”

  “Like I said, we just need to go and talk to Lauren…”

  “I’m not going to that jerk-off’s house. I’ll end up in jail if I see him again,” I laugh bitterly.

  “Come to my house then. I’ll go pick Lauren up and you guys can talk.”

  “I don’t want to talk to anyone right now if it’s not her. I’ll figure things out on my own. Actually, I’m just gonna grab a cab. Hillary, thanks for being here but I need time to think,” I tell her.

  She runs a hand through her hair and looks away from me.

  “I’ll call you,” I say, then make a beeline across the street.

  I pull out my phone and call Blue but he doesn’t pick up. I didn’t call him after everything happened, but now I realize he should have been the first for me to call, not Cal. She would have seen Blue even if she wasn’t sure about talking to me, and Blue would have made sure that she’d see me. He could have explained…there’s nothing to explain, but I could have apologized.

  I try not to think of the fact that Alana was back. I don’t know for how long, but she came back and I didn’t even get to speak to her.

  I’m so fucking pissed at her. Why’d she wait until I wasn’t there? Why’d she’d talk to that dickhead brother of hers instead of me? She should have been screaming her head off, demanding to see me, her fucking husband…but then what if she’s upset? Would she be upset about seeing Hillary with me? She shouldn’t be.

  She left me! She told me to divorce her, to move on. Even if something was happening between me and Hillary she would have said something to me, right? Megan said that she might have come back that night to see me, so she can’t be mad at me. She still has to love me. I let out a deep breath and instead of hopping in an Uber I make my way to a bar I see sitting on the corner. I head into it and make a place for myself. I’m probably going to be here a while.

  Kam

  I meet Blue at a restaurant a few blocks from Megan’s. He let me choose it, and

  I’m sort of regretting my choice. It’s brightly lit and crowded; there’s way too much going on but on the face of things none of that really matters.

  I need his help.

  I haven’t been able to think of anything else since the phone call from my dad. I

  finish my second Sprite and the waitress smiles at me. It’s flirty and warm and she’s cute, but there’s only one woman on my mind right now. I force an unenthusiastic smile and let out a sigh of relief upon seeing Blue headed towards me.

  “Hey, what’s up man?” he says, sliding into the booth beside me. He looks different, like

  he’s been up all night. The carefree funny guy I knew when he dated Katy transformed into this one, who seems stressed. He has bags around his eyes and his smile seems forced. I think to ask if he’s okay but my own problems are too busy fighting their way up my throat.

  I’ve been trying to think about how much to share with Blue because he and Megan have gotten pretty close, much to my disdain, but I’d rather have someone I know in her life that’s helping her along than no one. At first I thought he might have been into Megan, but in all the time Megan and I have spent together she’s only talked about how good of a friend he is to her. She doesn’t avoid him coming up in conversation, or is tense about what they are. I trust Megan and sort of trust Blue. But Megan is beautiful, sweet, and kind. It’s hard to not find that attractive even when you shouldn’t.

  “I need some information,” I tell him. He looks at me curiously.

  “You’ve got the right guy for that. What do you need?” he asks, and for a split

  second I rethink telling him what I’m about to. What if he tells Megan what I know, or what if he won’t help me? I feel like this might bite me in the ass.

  “First, I want to hire you. Do you have a confidentiality clause or something?” I

  ask him seriously. The tension in his face eases and he laughs, turning back to the Blue I used to hang out with.

  “I’m not a lawyer or a priest, but I’m known for my discretion. You just got to let me know what I’m being discreet about,” he says easily. I bite my lip and take in a deep breath.

  “I know you and Megan have gotten close these past few months,” I say, trying not to glower.

  “Yeah…” He trails off, eyeing me suspiciously.

  “She says you’re just friends, right?” I have to ask it, face-to-face, man-to-man. I have faith in Megan but she’s so caring and trusting. She may not see what’s right in front of her.

  “Yeah Kam. Strictly friends, very platonic. I swear I’ve never touched her, or will. She’s head over heels for you,” he says, exasperated.

  “Good to know,” I say, my shoulders relaxing. I let out a cleansing breath.

  “Is that what you called me here for?” he asks skeptically.

  “No. I just thought since you were here, I’d ask,” I tell him honestly, and he nods as if he understands.

  “How’s Katy?” he asks. I tell him she’s doing good but misses him. He doesn’t respond to that part, not that I blame him.

  “Just to reiterate, what we discuss stays between us right?” I ask. He looks at me almost hesitantly.

  “Between us,” he reassures me with a nod.

  “Okay.” I let out another breath.

  “You know about Megan’s condition,” I start. He nods, taking the glass of water in front of him and sipping it through the straw.

  “My dad’s been looking into Alana,” I tell him, and he sets the drink down and gives me his full attention.

  “Long story short, he found out she was married.” His eyes go wide.

  “Yeah, and I know the guy’s name. Ian Hudson. I need you to find out what you can about him,” I say, laying it all out on the table. I see Blue swallow a lump in his throat and he runs a hand through his hair.

  “You haven’t talked to Megan about this?” he asks, almost like he’s holding his breath.

  “No. I don’t know if Megan even knows. I don’t want to add any more stress to her situation. I just want to know who this guy is, find out what I can about Alana, and make sure he’s moved on so we don’t have any issues in the future.” Blue’s expression is blan
k and he doesn’t say anything. I can hear how I’m coming off to him, like some weird dude stalking his ex’s past, but he has to know it isn’t like that.

  “I’m proposing to Megan. I already have the ring. I’m not just some jealous boyfriend prying into her life. I’m hoping to get to be her fiancé, her husband. I just want to make sure all roads are clear for us to build a life together.”

  “This is so fucked up,” Blue growls, covering his face with his hands. My face flushes red.

  Is this fucked up? Should I be snooping around what is clearly not her best self? Maybe there’s something wrong with me.

  “I love her, Blue. It might seem messed up…” He shakes his head and glares at me.

  “Not you, man. Me, fucking Megan, Alana. We are…” My blood runs cold and my teeth start to clench, wondering what the hell he’s about to tell me. Has he been lying? Is he fucking around with Megan…or even Alana?

  “You and Megan?” I say, my voice on the edge of furious. Blue must see how close I am to exploding, but my voice is calm I make sure it stays that way.

  “No. Not how you think,” he tries to explain quickly, and I feel my fists curling up.

  “There isn’t a me and Megan, but I know who Ian is and Megan does too,” he admits with a sigh. He signals over a waiter.

  “Can we get two shots of tequila please?”

  “Megan knows? What do you mean Megan knows!”

  “I told her to tell you, but fuck…I couldn’t make her, and hell I’ve been lying more than she has, to everybody.” His voice is low and sullen. I feel like I’m in the twilight zone and am very confused about what the hell is going on.

  “Blue what do you mean?” I ask him tightly, and my phone rings. It’s from a number I don’t recognize, a Chicago one, but I hit ignore.

  “What aren’t you and Megan telling me?”

  “Megan knows about Ian and Alana, and so do I. Ian’s my cousin. I’m sorry. It was before you…” he starts to explain and my phone rings again from the same number. I’m so angry and confused that I can’t even think straight. Megan’s been lying to me? This whole time? Why would she lie to me? I’ve accepted everything she’s told me. I glare at Blue, who’s not even looking at me, and before I can start my interrogation the number calls me again. I finally pick up. When I hear it’s Megan I feel defenses go up that I’ve never had with her, and I’m on alert.